I’ll tell you, I both love and hate being (mostly) unemployed. I don’t like to focus on the negatives first, but the ‘hate’ here should be pretty self explanatory so let’s get that out of the way first.  Primarily, I strongly dislike anything that takes the steam out of my savings account.^[1] Secondarily, it’s boring! So boring. I spend a lot of time feeling purposeless and idle despite being quite busy updating my resume, sending out cover letters, and scouring the online watering holes for tell of work to be had. At the end of the day I often feel worn out and strangely disappointed in myself for feeling worn out as I sometimes falsely assume that I’m not allowed to feel that way since I’m not actually ‘working’.

Perhaps even more easy to explain is why I love being contract-less. For one thing, it leaves me open to learning opportunities. I can brush up my coding skills,  put together some editorials and keep my editing/writing muscles in shape, take online courses in journalism, marketing, freelance media — so many options!

But it’s never really that clear and straight forward for me — as I’m sure it’s not for many of you. Have any of you ever experienced what I will call the 5 Circles of House Work/Free Time/Job Search of Guilt and Despair™? Here it is, the ongoing battle in my brain:

1. I’m a chronic insomniac so late nights are my strong suit. “I’m not working so there’s no harm in staying up until 5am job hunting. In fact, it’s my duty.”
THEN: “I can’t sleep in! I should be responsible and get an early start applying for jobs and writing cover letters!”

2. “I’ve been looking for something suitable to apply to for at least the last hour and nothing’s coming up any more today, it would be more productive to do some house work — dishes, laundry, preparing supper for my partner who is working very hard all day – unlike me!”
THEN: “What am I doing?! I shouldn’t be away from the job listings! This is time spent not getting a job!”

3. I job hunted and applied for suitable positions for at least 4 hours. I should spend some time learning new skills or improving upon my current skill set!
THEN: Learning is fun! I don’t have time for fun – I haven’t earned it!

4. It’s Friday night. I’ve busted my hump all week doing what I can to improve my odds of finding gainful employment. My partner is done work for the week and wants to sit down to a nice dinner then relax in front of the television. Time to relax!
THEN: He’s earned it and I haven’t.  I spend some time watching television, enjoying food and a nice cold beer; imitating someone who is relaxed. I stay tethered to my computer, alternating between job hunting and reading articles about staying motivated.

and the most damaging Circle of Guilt and Despair™:

5. ”I have small, odd contract jobs to do! Better than nothing, right?”
THEN: I procrastinate because they a) do not pay in advance and b) do not pay well — I falsely believe that it’s better worth my time to just continue pounding pavement for bigger fish and put off getting small tasks done day in and day out.

How do we break free of these feelings of guilt? How do we stay motivated? How do we find the job of our dreams (or a reasonable facsimile?) How do we relax when we need to relax, loosen up and stay on target when we need to stabilize our rear deflectors and watch for enemy fighters?

Gold Five to Red leader, lost Tiree, lost Dutch.

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I’m grumpy and bored but too sick or prescription-drugged to do anything about it. I can’t do much to find new contract work because unless I skip pills and syrups, I can barely put together a coherent email let alone a cover letter. And interviewing – over the phone or otherwise – is right out.

I want home cooked comfort food – buttery crescent rolls and real chicken dumplings. Cabbage rolls, oh cabbage rolls. And new lungs.

Err, not to eat, of course. You know.

I needed to whine and moan about it so here I am. I’m not miserable, just grumpy. I’ll live so long as I get to complain. You can’t take that away from me!

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Owen and Loralei are here and we’re motoring through movies and Halloween candy — the makings of a perfect evening. So far we’ve watched Four Rooms (a favourite of mine) and are about 1/2 way through Horrible Bosses (which I actually watched last night while on the elliptical) – both pretty entertaining films. If you haven’t seen Four Rooms, do so now. I insist.

I imagine that my stress levels lately aren’t helping me get over this cold. This week was full of near disasters, great opportunities and big decisions — a mini emotional roller coaster. Emotional bumper cars, perhaps. I did the math and, in the end, I came out on the side of happy. And really, that’s all I can ask for. Well, that and world peace.

Related: Too. Much. Cough syrup.

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Ever since I was itty bitty Bambi Halloween has been my absolute favourite time of year.  And, despite appearances, it’s not because of the delicious candy — though that is a very close second.

I love to dress up.

I’m not a huge fan of cutesy costumes or, uh, costumes of the more ridiculously risqué variety (for example). I think Halloween should be about being scary, alarming, bizarre, or at the very least intimidating. Bring on the robots, monsters, werewolves, vampires (the suck-your-blood variety,  not the glitter-in-the-sunlight kind), and of course my favourite — the zombie.

Every year — as far back as I can remember — I’ve giddily gored myself up and paraded out as undead Bambi (or undead prom queen Bambi, undead ring master Bambi, … you get the picture). There were only a couple exceptions: In 1986 I went out in a teddy bear costume that my mother lovingly made out of a bathmat and in 1991 I went out dressed as Lydia from Beetlejuice — a costume my mother made out of an old red stage curtain. Heaviest costume ever, by the way.

This year I plan to make party rounds dressed in muddied up pirate garb. Undead pirate garb, of course.

My plan is to video tape the entire zombifying experience and post it on my YouTube account, as I often am asked how I make myself so darn creepy. Happy to share the know-how!

I can’t wait!

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They ran off to be married in Vegas — a style of wedding that I admire deeply; spontaneous, fun, intimate and, most importantly, almost entirely fuss-free.  A whirlwind celebration of what’s most important to them: being together.

I’m full of smiles today looking at their awesome and unique wedding pictures.

Congratulations, again, to the happy couple and most sentimentally to my lifelong friend Sharlene:  May you share everything with your husband, including the housework!

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Thanksgiving cupcakes

This weekend – being Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada – I spent much of my time around the dinner table with family; sharing stories and passing gravy.

Saturday we visited Simon’s grandparents in Kempville, Ontario. We arrived there around 9am and, keeping with tradition, split up to take care of some chores around the house. I cleaned windows ^[1] and Simon and his brother helped pile up and clear out things from the garage for a trip to the dump. We were then rewarded with amazing food including some delicious Danish dishes such as rødkål (red cabbage cooked with a sort of sweet and sour sauce), rødbeder (pickled red beet slices), and of course Aalborg chasers.

Yesterday we attended a similar gathering at Simon’s dad’s place. So much delicious turkey and homemade cranberry sauce (with maple syrup and lime!) and lots of great conversation. Followed by dessert. ^[2]

Today saw a different sort of family time — the kind I am very privileged to enjoy regularly; Simon and I hung out all day long in our pajamas, playing video games, eating salty snacks and takeout Greek and relaxing.  Just the two of us couch potato lovebirds.

Heavenly.

I am thankful for the big things; friends and family (old and new, by blood, by marriage or by Facebook), good health, a roof over my head and a comfortable chair under my keister. And for simple things too; for cupcakes and red wine, powerful video cards and online takeout menus.

I hope each and every one of you had a fantastic, relaxing, and gourmet-food-filled weekend — whether you observe the holiday or not.

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